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Life, lifestyle, Love, men, parenting, Psychology, Reflections, relationships, Romance, single, women
A few weeks ago I went to a small party and found myself sharing a piano bench, haphazardly being accompanied by a man who clearly had too much to drink. In no time at all, I knew all the miserable details of his life – how he was unhappily married but had 3 young kids at home and so he felt obligated to stay, etc. He gushed about the woman who was throwing the party and told of her hesitancy to get involved with him. Go home and take care of your shit! – is what I wanted to yell at him. Instead, I listened to him babble for a while. With no encouragement, the story unfolded….
The beginning of their relationship, the “honeymoon” phase, was awful. I know. It doesn’t even start well. Drawn together by awesome physical chemistry they began dating until he found out she was cheating on him. Was that enough to detour him? Nope. She was “cool”. She was part of this world that excited him. And, there was the chemistry. Surely that must mean something.
Fast forward six or so years to now. In place of the intense physical attraction is a big ol’ pile of resentment and sour feelings. Sounds good, huh? This guy went on and on and while most of it isn’t worth mentioning, he did have a few poignant thoughts. I finally cut the booze inspired revelation short but honestly, it was hard. Not because I was especially interested but because there was a human being before me pouring out his heart. Eh, who am I kidding? He probably doesn’t even remember talking to me much less what he said. Anyhow, I divert….
The poignant part was when he acknowledged that for his whole life, his love relationships have been a mess. Not for lack of trying or lack of want. He just didn’t know how to do love well. There had been noone in his life, most notably his parents, to help guide him. His parents, for reasons I am unsure of, weren’t very involved in his life and so he had the task of raising himself. I really related to this. In fact, it was this admission that shook me out of my slumber. I mean, you can only listen to a drunk guy reminisce about his bad decisions for so long.
My parents, who were married for 22 years, were just following the convention of the time – meet someone you like, fall in love, get married, have kids. Self-reflection and working on actually having a skill set to raise kids and be in a thriving marriage weren’t a priority. Things weren’t awful. But if you ask my sister, my brother or I (none of whom are currently married), we all echo the same feeling – that we had to essentially raise ourselves. My dad was in and out of various careers and my mom generally felt overwhelmed – all the time. We had the basic necessities taken care of; a home, food on the table, clothing, and their version of love. But it wasn’t a thriving, sharing, we’re-in-this-together environment. “We Are Family” was not our theme song. It was a figure-it-out-on-your-own environment.
Now that I think about it, my parents asked me very little about my love life growing up. Having a boyfriend much less getting married were not topics of discussion. You know how some girls have been thinking about getting married since they were little? Well, I just started thinking about marriage as being a viable option for myself in my mid 30’s. Even as a woman in my early 40’s , my parents still don’t ask me about getting married (which I’d like) or if I ever wanted to have kids (which I did).
So, why can’t I do love well? I strive to be competent in love and like to think I’ve overcome many of my limitations (thank you therapy!). But what if I haven’t? Am I still single because I’ve spent too much time with the wrong people, because I simply haven’t met the right person, or because my best attempts at raising myself aren’t quite good enough for love?